Desire- A Revelation

I haven’t completely understood this about me, but somethings I have begun to. I am a woman of passion, only there are spare moments when I be that, her.

When I hear a song, and I like it or love it, I play it over and over again, I let it consume me. I let every word be imprinted in and on me. For days I listen to that song, on repeat, in the morning, while I brush, while I walk to college, in the bus, while I just take a stroll, when I stand under the shower. The song, the words, the music, they become me, and in those days I am incomplete without it.

This passion for letting things consume me extends to other areas of my life; I realised, that even when I read, I get lost in the pages, I exist no longer in this world, only in the pages. The smell of the pages, the touch of the paper, are the only remaining connections to this world.

Maybe that’s why books and songs can move me to a waterfall of tears in seconds and at that time, I never feel ugly when I cry.

He had once said to me when we hadn’t been dating, that he was surprised by the way I could so easily and casually talk about relationships, people and love. And on the other hand I was so deeply affected and moved by books. I think even he didn’t understand what he said. Even I have only started to.

Illusions, they say the world and the senses are illusions and what lies beyond them is real, that our bodies are unholy. For me that is nothing short of blasphemy. This body is the only reason we are here and when this goes, we go, there will nothing left behind; just memories and words. Shadows of what we were. The reality, it lies in the music you hear, composed by nature, and heard by man, and then reinvented. In writings, they are the blood of life as I know it; if a soul exists, in has to exist in them. But above all of these, there is another reality, far superior to all. The reality of our bodies, and of the touch of another. When two separate bodies meet, be it for a touch or to get lost in each other, that is the supreme truth. When this frail form of ours gives us pleasures that make us believe beyond doubt that we come from the stars, and in those moments of desire we resemble the explosions of supernovas, the undefeatable pull of the black holes, absorbing in itself every thought, except, desire, and its fulfillment. Our very nerves and cells in us reflect the millions of stars in a multitude of colors, flickering, each color a different level of release.

Perhaps that’s why the world is brimming and overflowing with reactions to this desire. We find it in acceptance of it when it makes us humans create marvels and we find it in its absence, as a hollow in us. Evolution in itself, owes the biggest gratitude to desire.

Desire, is not something to be shunned from our lives because if it is, then we live the lives of the dis-disillusioned, believing that our bodies are just scraps and nothing more.

People were rightly scared of desire, because it eliminated all other lies which make life easy. Desire- is difficult to accept and even more demanding when it comes to attainment. Because contrary to popular belief desires are not just achieved, but every achievement brings out more desire. That is the biggest truth. And that is also why compromise is a lie, a garb, to protect everyone from the hardships of following desire.

So why was I not affected by people so far? I’m afraid I too let my self be lulled, caved and tombed, almost about to give in and go into the wretched nothingness, not the sweet nothingness. That is, until you came along and shook me, rattled me, shoved a mirror in front of me- you.

The universe exists in twins, creation and destruction, life and death, black and white.

I have never loved white, it means to me boring, a color that is not itself because it doesn’t absorb anything, only reflect. Black on the other hand is a mystery, an adventure, a nightmare. I think I have been too white all my life, dreaming, craving to be black. You represent black to me. Anyone else would take this as an insult, but you I know will take it as a compliment, one of the highest I can give. And thus it only makes sense that you seek the white, perhaps you will even change the meaning of white for me.

Yesterday I came across a new word, ‘penumbra’, it means “A partial shadow, as in an eclipse, between regions of complete shadow and complete illumination.”

There is a reason we love the dawn and the dusk, they represent the coming together of extremes. And then what they form, is ethereal, and that is also the reason we love the night, black sprinkled by white, white sprinkling the black.

Talking to you, makes my head spin in countless directions. It opens up so many windows in my thoughts that I never knew were there. For years now I also have been seeking the truth. Every conversation with you gets me closer to it. Thoughts come to me, solutions come to me, answers come to me when I talk to you. The key to my universe as well, it seems, lies in your head, in your fingers, in your touch, in your tongue, in your lips. When we talk, we start creating a penumbra of our own, and for all we know, when our bodies meet we will redefine the word.

And it doesn’t matter how long this lasts, its intensity has already started shaking my world. @Copyright 2014, Adya Vac