“All of us have our share of heartbreaks, small, insignificant or ones that leave you feeling like you know nothing anymore. Absolutely nothing at all. Not any more. And they leave you changed. Forever. Most of us, I think have a tough time coming to terms with this change, or even accepting it. But just because a butterfly can’t see see the mirror, does not mean it’s no longer in its cocoon.
It’s a curious choice of analogy. One that surprises me as well, because you associate butterflies with joy, happiness, a metamorphosis so glorious that they can literally fly!
But then am I comparing love to a cocoon? To an ugly worm? I’m not. I couldn’t in my wildest dreams. Because, as heart wrenching as it became in the end, it was beautiful, “it was the best, love“.
Falling in love is like falling in love with everything, yourself and the world, hopelessly anew. Falling in love, though exhilarating, takes some time, and euphoria becomes your best friend. But falling out of love, is like drowning in water that you can sort of breathe in, just enough for you to survive, but enough to make every nerve in your body hurt. And every time you think you hit the surface, you are pulled back in. Hell is no longer an abstract entity.
Your dreams become fitful. Once you liked falling asleep to go into that land, but now there is so much confusion, and an unidentified uneasiness that creeps out from your dreams to the edge of your consciousness, and stays there. It keeps gnawing at every happy thought that comes your way. It claims you, even the good memories. Sometimes you let it do that. So there can only be hate left.
Or you can let the memories stay. But how do you let that ugly, creepy, monster out of your head? How do you un-love someone? How do you live when every law you you had written down in your book of the world suddenly makes no sense.
They say when you’re in love, a person becomes you entire world. So how then do you get back on your feet when you no longer have you world?
You grieve. You have to grieve. Because you have to acknowledge death. Death of love. And every death un-mourned haunts us for eternities. And so you let the pain take over. You let it have its reign, in tribute to the love you once had. And hope, that one day, you will come out of stronger.
You have to, don’t you?”
“I bear witness to my life as it passes me. I bear witness to love, happiness, glory, hope. I bear witness to death, grief, pain, suffering.
I wish I could tell you that being in love is wonderful and to have lost it is a terrible tragedy in our lives. But I can’t, for I have come to believe that a love that has been lost is to be cherished, to be reckoned with a certain admiration, but not to be held onto. Love is the cocoon we build and let ourselves be engulfed into. And it is so because love does not promise you anything, it merely states this – let yourself go, embrace yourself, let all emotions surge through you.
Love let’s you touch the depths of our own being, and therein lies the greatest of all dilemmas. We embark upon a journey of self, and we begin to resent the process, we resent how the other person makes us feel, for cocoon is not a resting place but a battlefield, where one fights oneself.
Losing out on a relationship is a battle that has been lost, but the war moves on. And one must move with it because it is one self that they seek. Love. The most beautiful of all tragedies.
So embrace it. Until the next time. Be the adamant one. Losing a lover is not losing love. For love is yours and yours alone to be.”
https://adya00.wordpress.com/2014/01/22/on-heartbreak/©Copyright 2014, Adya Vac
[Text in quotes attributed to G is not the intellectual property of Adya Vac, but G themselves.]